I have written extensively about the Science of Astrology, including hypothesizing that the dismal results of marital fidelity and bliss are directly tied to poor Astrological Harmony. Being a lover of all things factual, it took me some time to accept Astrology as a real science, but there was no denying that Scorpio was the perfect description of my incredibly complex personality. At least the one version of Scorpio that I actually read. So I have since been living my daily existence as predetermined by the planetary alignment at the time of my birth, and heeding the warnings of my horoscope. Then, a realization struck me! I am the father of twins!

You may be asking yourself how I suddenly realized I had twins. I would have to be somewhat of a dullard to not know I had twins, especially when you consider that they’re 15 years old.  The realization was not that I had twins, but that they were both born at the same time! I am not explaining my epiphany well at all. Let me start again.

When my twins were born, the moon was a waxing crescent. They were born in the House of Aquarius, or Poplar if we were Celtic. As Aztecs they would have borne the sign of the Snake, or Pig of Wood if we were Chinese. In any case, my children were Water Carriers bearing the traits of all Water Carriers before them, and all those who would come after them. These celestial personality clones did not just share a womb, they shared the meaning of the cosmos!

My twin Aquarius’ are exactly the same, sharing the same traits, the same nature, the same essence.  They are both:

• Friendly and humanitarian
• Honest and loyal
• Original and inventive
• Independent and intellectual

And On the dark side….

• Intractable and contrary
• Perverse and unpredictable
• Unemotional and detached

As you can see, they each possess characteristics unique to people born in that 29 day period between January 21 and February 19, no matter where in the world they were born or lived, no matter their circumstances nor their upbringing, no matter if they were godless heathens or cowering God-fearing Christians. They are the same! A quick check of their horoscope for today reveals much about them both:

Spiritual goals may be at the top of your priority list now, Aquarius. You may be looking for metaphysical seminars or meditation workshops, perhaps taking place in a distant state or foreign country. You’re likely to find it difficult to make a decision about any options right now. Whatever you’re considering, make sure you know all the facts before making a choice of any kind.

Yes, they…wait a minute. Who are we talking about here?! When the realization first struck me I was dumbfounded. My gast was completely flabbered. My twins are nothing alike at all! In fact, they are remarkable for their differences considering they were raised together by the same parents in the same manner. This horoscope is meaningless to them and doesn’t reflect a single thing they are even contemplating, let alone actually doing. I then delved deeper into my analysis:

• Aren’t people born in other time periods friendly and humanitarian? Are people born in March assholes?

If Astrology were a true science, it would stand up to the rigorous tests of science including observable data that would be repeated in all similar circumstances. But if the hypothesis is so broad as to encompass personality traits that all humans possess in varying degrees, no manner of testing would be possible! It’s the equivalent of hypothesizing that “Black Dogs born in Summer wag their tails more frequently than Brown Dogs born in Winter.” As you set about obtaining data, you’d find data to support your position on occasion, and data to dispute it. Rather than realizing your hypothesis was too broad to prove or disprove you alter the hypothesis to state “Black Dogs born in Summer wag their tails more frequently than Brown Dogs born in Winter, although sometimes they Don’t. ” You then claim victory and move on to your next hypothesis:

• People born between the hours of 12:30 and 2:00 are prone to snap judgments, unless they are aware of this inclination and take action to avoid it.

I must admit my epiphany comes as a disappointment. It is sad to consider that the planets in orbit about our Sun don’t care about me, nor do the stars that are millions of light years away. For a brief time I felt a real kinship with the Universe and my fellow humans born in the roughly month-long window of time that would make them determined and forceful, but also exciting and magnetic. I suppose I’ll have to go back to being myself; the self that came about from a lifetime of experiences, education, influences and choices. At least now I don’t have to feel so disoriented whenever I consider that my ruling planet, Pluto, isn’t considered a planet anymore.