Dogs, the Rhythm Method and a Moon Base

The run-up to the nomination of the eventual GOP standard bearer has moved into decidedly hysterical territory. Apparently the thought of a Moon Base, which Mr. Gingrich emphasized would naturally be an American Moon Base, satisfied my neighbors in SC, and they decided that Newt Gingrich would make a fine President (further illustrating my need to move out of the Dirty South). My friend Dan Medeiros thoughtfully laid out the absurdity of a Moon Base in his wonderfully comical piece, Optimism and Lunacy in the state of Moontana. Newt triumphantly took the torch as the latest leader in the Republican race with his trouncing of Mitt Romney in SC and headed south to the phallic-shaped state of Florida.

Mitt Romney felt the need to step up his game to the tune of $14 million in advertising during the stretch of the campaign that led to the Sunshine State Primary election. It’s been reported that over 90% of this advertising in Florida was negative, with most of it targeted against Newt Gingrich, looking to topple him off of the high horse he was riding as he rode south out of South Carolina. This led to a concession speech by Newt Gingrich in Florida that sounded more like a victory speech. I imagine at some point, perhaps when the attack ads surpassed the $10 million mark, Newt started taking it personally. But it seems to have had a real effect as Newt Gingrich has been spiraling down the perennial polls ever since.

Mitt Romney has been saddled with the heavy weight of his odd statements during the campaign, that I imagine will make a fabulous commercial when you string them all together. But having stumbled across a website entitled Dogs Against Romney, I think that Mr. Romney’s political career may not survive the combination of his personal oddity, the manner in which he made his millions, the way he shelters his money off shore to avoid US taxes, his particular flavor of religious predilection, and the casual, joking manner in which he shrugs off his abuse of man’s best friend.

By now you may have heard the tale of Mitt Romney putting his Irish Setter in a crate, strapping that crate to the roof of the family car, and driving from Boston to Canada on vacation. The terrified pooch lost control of his bowels and let loose a stream of diarrhea that alerted the young Romney boys as the rear windows featured a river of brown fecal matter. Romney, in his unflappable manner, pulled into the first available gas station, rinsed off the excrement of fear, and got back on the road. What struck me as the most appalling aspect of this affair is his response in an interview with FOX’s Chris Wallace in which he laughs about it, proclaims that the crate was “airtight” (which of course would have killed the poor Setter in an agonizing suffocation), and even had the gall to say that the dog loved to ride up there and used to jump up on the roof on his own. Mr. Romney’s slide into the most disliked man in America may be inevitable.

Which brings us to the rise of the Knight of Magistral Grace of the Knights of Malta, Rick Santorum. I mistakenly categorized Mr. Santorum as a second-tier candidate in my preview of the GOP race last spring. In what can only be described as a political shockwave, Rick Santorum now leads all his competitors in National Polls. Coming off a trio of wins in some states that I’m not sure mean anything (no offense Missouri), Rick’s brand of social conservatism, aka radical extremism, has caught on with an increasingly desperate Republican electorate. How else could one explain that a man who has said these kinds of ridiculous things during this campaign, may now represent the GOP’s best hope to regain the White House?

Catholic Bishops, roused out of covering for pedophiles and dodging the taxman, descended upon Washington, DC to protest mandatory insurance coverage for birth control. The Catholic Church believes every sperm to be sacred and opposes all forms of women trying to take control of their lives, preferring them caught in the animal cycle of reproduction. Astonishingly, the GOP leadership has jumped on this Crazy Train and made this a fight they’re willing to have in an election year. Rick Santorum, feeling this groundswell of support, took to the airwaves to say that while some people may not think it’s a President’s job to concern himself with the sexual behavior of consenting adults, he disagrees.

“One of the things I will talk about that no President has talked about before is I think the dangers of contraception in this country, the whole sexual libertine idea. Many in the Christian faith have said, “Well, that’s okay. Contraception’s okay.”

It’s not okay because it’s a license to do things in the sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be. They’re supposed to be within marriage; they are supposed to be for purposes that are, yes, conjugal, but also procreative. That’s the perfect way that a sexual union should happen.”


Ignoring the obvious issue of the impending population bottleneck as the planet exceeds 7 billion humans, and the economic issues facing Americans who try to raise families, one has to wonder how choosing to force women into paying for contraception by allowing employers and insurance carriers to opt out of providing coverage for it, even when it’s medically prescribed, is a winning political platform.

So Faithful Reader, here we find ourselves, in the midst of a race to displace President Barack Obama from his perch atop the US political hierarchy. The men who seek to do so seem more unfit with each passing day. As the economic news continues to improve and public confidence continues to climb, I have seen nothing that would change my opinion from my early previews of this race: I don’t think the President has to worry about calling the moving company to come pack up his stuff yet.



One comment

  1. Excellent pseudo-analysis =;^D. God (if you’ll pardon the expression), these are some fucked-up, hate-filled jackasses.

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