Know Your Amendments

There’s nothing like the specter of gun control discussions to get the patriotic blood boiling and the cries of support for our beloved Constitution flowing like the blood after a mass shooting. The religious are often criticized, rightfully so, for cherry picking the pretty parts of their texts, but our freedom loving, apple pie eating, NASCAR loving, flag saluting patriots are no different.

The sacred parchment known as the Constitution was amended many times and our gun loving neighbors are quick to defend the Second Amendment as the authority for the AR-15 they have in their Durango. The First Amendment though, not as popular. Kneeling at the wrong times, burning the wrong fabrics or criticizing the wrong political leader and our Constitution loving brothers and sisters will get fired up to shut you down.

The Third Amendment? No one knows what it is. The Fourth, arguably one of the most important: meh. Our Constitution worshipping patriot with the semi automatic weapon strapped to their leg is indifferent to it. The Fifth Amendment? LOCK HER UP!

The 6th and 7th are all fine and good, but lawyers are a scourge on our society. The 8th Amendment sounds good, as long as we keep the death penalty because there’s nothing cruel and unusual about a quick trip to the electric chair.

The 10th Amendment is another one our patriots get excited about: STATES RIGHTS! Unless the state chooses to legalize marijuana in which case FEDERAL RIGHTS!

11 & 12: huh?

A lot of our freedom loving, gun toting, Constitution loving neighbors wish the South had won the war, still fly the Confederate Flag from the back of their Chevy truck and cry at the thought that a statue of a treasonous Confederate leader might come down. I’m willing to bet some of them might not love the 13th Amendment the way their hearts bleed over the 2nd.

Most of our Smith & Wesson loving brothers and sisters must not know how many Amendments there are, because we hear from them often around April 15th, even though the sacred, unalterable, perhaps divinely inspired Constitution was Amended to give the government the right to tax their income. Love the 2nd, Love the 16th I say.

The 18th Amendment was a real loser. We fucked up on that one. REPEALED. Wait, we can repeal Amendments that don’t work for us? NOT THE 2ND, cry the patriots.

Did you know we had to actually Amend the holy, sacred, infallible Constitution just so our moms and sisters could vote? Must have been a little oversight when the omniscient Framers who must be revered at all costs were coming up with the plans for the Union.

There’s a bunch more but they’re so uninteresting, even a patriot won’t read them.

I’m not in the least bit deluded that anything anyone says or does, including slaughtering innocents like Moses slaughtering the Amalekites, will ever change the ease with which an American can arm themselves to the teeth. But I can’t help but call out hypocrisy, ignorance and flat out bullshit when I see it, hear it and read it. It just makes me feel a little better for a few minutes.


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